Did You Hear About the Anti-Fireplace Movement?

Apparently, there is a small northern European country with a movement springing up that intends to ban fireplaces from the home. This is in reaction to a startling statistic that indicates more people have died from fireplace related deaths in this country than from gun crime. By the way, they successfully eradicated guns from this country about ten years ago.

Many have come to the defense of the fireplace by saying that without it, more people would die from exposure due to the harsh winters of this cold land, but Anti-Fireplacers insist that early man existed for thousands of years without fireplaces and that they will use tried and true methods of bundling and herd warmth to keep their young and loved ones warm.

Yet others suggest that the increase in deaths by fireplace that have been statistically noted are influenced by the huge population boom, and that, of course, more house fires will start with more people heating their homes. Anti-Fireplacer families, however, are unswayed by this logic. They sustain that they are acting in the best interests of their families by avoiding new-fangled technology like the fireplace, because they can’t trust their children to be safe in the presence of such a liability.

Even now, Anti-Fireplacers are lobbying their representatives to allow the removal of fireplaces from their neighbors if they pose a fire threat. One notable Anti-Fireplacer, Snarfud Hudfudssonsson, has said, “If we can survive the cold without a fireplace, then what do they have to worry about if we take away theirs? Besides, the whole idea that we need heat to survive is just another way for the government to enforce its agenda upon us. We deserve to choose!”

Further reports on this matter will be posted as this situation evolves in the cold lands of Antivaxaria.


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